So, today I am 35! Its my birthday today. First things first. Let me introduce myself. I am an only child of a narcissist and a borderline sociopathic patriarch. Some people are lucky enough to not have parents. Some are luckier to have a sane parent and an insane one. Some are even more lucky to have both parents who love and care for their child and want the best for their children. Not me. I had both parents who were not parents, just parasites.
Anyway, more on that later.
Today, I have decided to be more disciplined in my life and follow a relatively stringent regime of eating right, working out and sleeping on time. So, no big party today. Just me, Chetan and Rewa. The two people who I love the most and myself. Having a quiet, peaceful evening, although I don't know how much of it will be possible with Rewa around, but she is calmer when she is with us. I am thinking serene lighting with fairy lights, a. little bit of wine/breezers and cake. And music, soft, soulful music and endless conversations with the love of my life - my Prince Charming - Chetan. I think that should centre me for the whole year. At least that the kind of party I asked from him. I hope he does not get creative.
On the playlist, I think, Geeta Dutt, Hootie and the Blowfish, Dave Mathews Band, Farida Khanum and the likes.
If Chetan needs to be creative, I can allow him to order his kind of food, although I doubt whether he would like to be endowed with this choice.
So much is on the cards at this time. A new life might be in the offing, but till we receive a confirmation, there cannot be celebration or even lack of it. But I told Chetan yesterday, that in either scenario, its imperative that we prepare ourselves by working out and eating right. Because, life will be tough regardless.
There is something morose about parent detachment and birthdays. No partying/travelling can equip you to deal with it. These things can defer it, but not heal the wounds. Add to it, watching your seven month old daughter do adorable things, and you have to truthfully admit to wondering, how can anyone be as insane and inhuman. But, I guess these days, humanity is a matter of degree and not an innate characteristic in human beings. So, if my folks were ahead of their time, I should be happier! Ha ha.
Honestly, I wish Chetan's parents abstain from our celebrations like the last few years. Its more peaceful and unpretentious like that. If they do decide to come, I wouldn't know how to deal with the deception.
Varun was kind enough to call. I guess he empathises with me and it feels good to have a friend in need. A couple of messages in the morning were also received from well intentioned people. But, all in all, there is nothing majorly happy about this day, except for my family. My husband and my daughter. And, therefore, after a lot of contemplation, thats what I want. Me time and time out with Chetan and Rewa.
Oh sure! I will post pictures on Instagram of today. That is my intention. But no pretences will be worn of fake social acceptance and jolly. I'm trying to keep it real. Acknowledge the pain and heal my wounds and not just survive, thrive.
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